My regular excercise class was cancled for tonight on account of a colonoscopy. might run. might not. am simultaneously inspired to make the last few pre-wedding days good and be thinner when i get there…but am mostly already feeling as though i’ve failed. The officemate brought me a piece of birthday cake. Not from a box. Really good birthday cake. I ate it and liked it but not as much as I would have if I didn’t have The Guilt. I hate The Guilt. The Guilt, The Worry…these two have been a bit much of late. Worry about what to do with all the potatoes, not having enough time, the dog’s happiness, how clean is the rug. I feel like I’m going nutz. And then the guilt about the scale. I should return the scale to the back of an obscure closet where it lived for several happy years.
And now, Group Guilt. This morning, I got an email from a friend, inviting many of us to join in a weight-loss challenge. Great. Just what I need. More people to let down. Feeling more pathetic because I have people to compare myself too. No, this is probably not what I need. I didn’t exactly join in. I replied to my friend (I couldn’t handle reply-all), and talked about the yo-yo, the failed attempt for the wedding, and the excuses. No reply yet. But she’s a busy girl, so…all the same. What I want is sympathy and that’s probably not what I need either. I need that Gilian lady from Fatties (i.e., The Biggest Loser) to come over and YELL at me like she does with those people on the show and to help me get in touch with my FEELINGS and all that. Yuck. Sounds hard. Maybe I need to drink more water? Eat better? Eat something I like?
T says not to worry. To decide to not worry. Commit to it. In a foul mood, I suggest that this might be as successful as committing to losing weight. Folly. At any rate, I am going to deal with The Guilt about the potatoes by making Mushroom Poached Chicken with Potatoes and Vegetables. I’ll let you know how it turns out.